Our purpose in life is ‘good works’ or ‘acts of kindness’. Instead of trying to figure out what our purpose and calling is we should just simply get involved in helping people and our purpose, calling and gifting will easily be discovered.
-Phil Pringle
No One Else Like You
By Planetshakers
My heart longs
For Your love
My soul thirsts
For Your touch
There is no one like You God
There is none like You
There is no one else like You
There is no one beside You
There is no one else like You
My God, my King
No one else
Nothing compares to You my God
No one could ever take Your love away
You're my King, my everything
Jesus
Hungry after a run! Actually I walked one-quarter of the route. The abdomen was painful. But I think a shower is more important now. After which, do some work and just sleep lah.
Oh wait, gotta prepare the songs for tomorrow's OPM! I almost forgot...
Last night the 4 of us had so much XLB that we swear no more XLB for us for the next six months. On the overall, everything was good. I think my cholesterol level shot up. I think too many calories for me last night. How can I achieve the ideal weight? The so-called ideal BMI. Come on, 8 kilos can't be too hard for me. Let's give it till end of semester 2. Let's break it down now...
I can do it!
A million years since the last entry. Okay, 3 months, 1/4 of a year. A lot of things can happen in 3 months. =)
With that to start with, it was the FOP, church anniversary, FOC, new free iPod touch, stepping down from the 15th, joining of new committees, mid-autumn festival, lots of birthdays, overnight Kbox, spoiled phone which has now recovered, spoiled laptop which has been repaired, cb team outing, morning prayer meetings, and the most recent north face run + MM promotion. Thank you God for the numerous wonders that You have done for me. The end is clearly better than the beginning and I pray for Your grace to continue to cover me.
Having shifted back to the hall with new furnishings, it felt great. Yes very comfortable. Surely rooms look like rooms from the inside while the bungalow chalet look still remains on the outside. Nevertheless, school started with a bang! Now into the third year and graduation seems not too near actually. I'm still hoping to graduate in four years which can be uncertain actually. God, direct my paths. I wanna know where I'm heading.
With that, let's just end it off right now. Leaving soon for XLB Buffet! Eat heartily and come back later to mug mug.
All pictures taken from FB and that explains the quality. =\
Dr A R Bernard says we shouldn't get crystallised. Thrill is gone and you're simply going through the motion. Your heart becomes hardened. You left your first love - the place of revelation. You didn't lose it. Always pursuing a fresh revelation to prevent crystallisation.
I have no more confidence in my intellectual ability, investment philosophy, talents, time management, presentation skills... I acknowledge that indeed these are wonderful things that I have been able to exercise and blessed to have, but what I mean is that I no longer think I can achieve great and lasting success purely based on these attributes. The most important thing I need is the approval of God which would bring peace from enemies, open doors that would otherwise be shut and peace/joy which the world doesn't know of. I don't mean that I do not have confidence in what I am stating or making the correct decision. What I mean is that even with the above attributes, unless I am living by God's grace, wisdom and favour, I cannot be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath on a consistent basis. Sometimes during the past 3 years, when I think about the results that have been achieved, I feel quite scared because repeating it isn't based on a fixed formula but each time, it takes a lot of faith beyond these attributes.
Adapted from Xin Hong's blog
Blue Screen of Death
Another fear of mine. This is a stop error. Whenever this happens, it doesn't give me any time to save my data. All my documents are unsaved, downloads stopped, and everything is gone. I mean somewhat like that. Since the previous reformatting, this problem didn't occur until a conversation with one of the bosses yesterday. He wanted to teach me on presentation skills using a software so I handed my USB drive to him to copy the software, mentioning the word 'bluescreen' as well for he feared that his computer has virus.
Okay. Here I am listening to my iTunes, surfing the web and closed down the presentation, tada! Bluescreen! After my 3 years of laptop warranty, I should just get a Mac next year. Educational rate anyway. Free iPod Touch, why not?
I closed my first cold case yesterday! God is good to me. According to the schedule I ought to be at CP, standing around at the atrium for roadshow. However I woke up this morning with a terribly aching body, could hardly sit still to finish my drama. After lunch, I plonked myself on the bed and began to watch the last 3 episodes of the Emergency Unit drama. Bliss. Hugging my pooh and watching my handsome boy. Sammul Chan (and Ron Ng.) =D Ring ring. My boss called. Jess and Pri and Geoff and Eric won't be there today. HUH!? There seems to be no meaning in me heading down to the mall already. It's not that I don't trust myself but my product knowledge and all aren't enough for me to turn things around if I can't keep a customer. So he spared me. As in, since I'm aching all over and no one's going down, I could stay at home. But no, I didn't tell him I wanted to finish watching the drama. Haha! It's just coincidental. Nothing is ever finalised. Even after looking at the schedule which looks just great to me, I received an e-mail several hours later to know one of them can't make it. After that started to call those who'll be on duty the following day to get them to come on both days. Aw. I never knew we'll have lack of manpower even on Saturday. It never occurred to me before. So while I'm typing the entry, Kel is bombarding my phone again. He says 'Thank You' to me several times this week and just now I told him 'You're Welcome'. So formal. Oh really? I thought it sounds alright to me. I'm polite by nature. =P
Ddddddddddd. Need to design.Eeeeeeeeeeee. So many things that I wanna eat since I lost the ceramic pieces on my teeth.
Starhub finally decided to revamp its website. I've always admired how user-friendly Singtel's site has been, and thought of how the green should do something about theirs. Just glad there's some positive changes at last. Been thinking of changing my phone ever since I changed it. Nah, just joking. I mean I hope to change to one with wi-fi, Qwerty keypad or semi-touch. A phone that is totally touch screen doesn't seem to appeal much to me because I like the feeling of keypads. They aid in my messaging since I message so much. Ripped open my bills last evening to realise my SMS has hit 2k for the month of June. That's why I love Starhub for its initiative to start having unlimited SMS for students ever since few years back. It's like the best thing ever that happened. =D
Another trend that is happening now is the younger generation turning to Apple. The online student promotion for Macbook and Ipod. A special bundle only for students. Aww how I love being a student. =) It's simply a privilege that is worthy to be happy about. YT got hers, LT is getting hers, Dot will get hers. Haha... I'm still loyal to my current laptop till it dies on me one day but please don't let the day come so quickly. Hehe. Apple gadgets can be so expensive, when something goes wrong. Meanwhile, I'll be happy with what I have.
Shall opt for an early night today, hopefully. It's been a long day out in town from lunch till dinner with ongoing entertainment. The members are playing L4D, with the speakers 'bang bang bang' away.
Oh last but not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAISHING! And congratulations to me for braces off!
An awesome leaders' meeting in the evening that impacted me. The topic was on leadership. Jesus understands how a leader like Him is in authority yet under authority. He is in charge of His disciples, but at the same time, God the Father has authority over Him. Delegated authority always reflects the character of the leadership. From the way He serves His disciples by acts of service - washing of feet, that is how He wants us to act as well. To be a leader, one must be a servant.
Only with the right attitude that we should exercise our authority in. With different personalities, people will be confused on the correct form of leadership. The ministry can be misrepresented then. So, how should we work things out?
Product must come with service to back it up. The product is the Bible. Service starts with us, and it is how we carry ourselves that reflect the attributes and character of the personality of the Bible. We are to be like Christ! Often, we don't understand why leaders make certain decisions. Think about it.
"I want it to be done this...that way."
You argued, "No, why?"
Sometimes, it can be hard to explain. This is where faith comes in. It takes faith to follow leadership.
It does matter how you act in getting the job done. Results and behavior really do go together hand in hand. It is so often that group work ends up with cursing and swearing one another even though they manage to get an A ultimately. What an unpleasant experience~ Also, fulfilling a task doesn't mean fulling a purpose. Treat people with care. When we promise to help out to buy birthday presents, get one that people like. Find out what are the needs and wants of the person. We must do what we have been entrusted with the right spirit and attitude!
Leaders are accountable for both results and behaviors. Neither one is not too important. Hence, leaders are there to guide. Develop a strategy to move people into the state where they achieve the most with the right behavior and attitude. Be persistent, never stop keeping on. Never give up on one unless all have known Him.
It's been a wonderful Tuesday, getting renewed, recharged and motivated once again. First it was the day at CfE for my last compulsory class. We were taught how to approach people, how to face rejections, and also turning things from rejection to acceptance. Even if I end up in this line or not in the future, I guess the lessons learned are definitely valuable. (: Five of us had our lunch at the hawker centre which I still do not know the name of the place. I only know that they have yummy wanton mee, crayfish hor fun, char kway teow, bak chor mee and lots of vegetarian food there! It's not like I truly love vegetarian food but it happened to be 初一/十五 so the queues were longer than the usual. Being 21 is like an overgrown child but super young adult. The youngest age that one can be there. Everyone looks at you like they're so envious because I'm 21. A student who's 'fighting' for business with them who come from all walks of life. What I can say is that... Youth is capital.
After two long birthday celebrations, 5 of us went for supper at a coffee shop near NUS. No, not the same 5 girls! It feels a little unsafe for 5 girls to be out after 12 midnight even though it's Singapore. Guess the people were having a camp so they almost took over the entire place. Freshies. August. FOC is coming soon! Sidetracked. Prata and horlicks are simply delicious. I guess I haven't had prata in a long while. Even in school, I hardly step out to go for supper at night. Well, it is unhealthy and going back to hostel is a long journey without a vehicle. Great fellowship with the leaders(yes all leaders O_O) but happy that the plates are made of plastic and MW can't scratch the plates like the previous night. Haha... The squeaking sound makes my hair stand.
Check out the time and yes, it's so late already. It's time to get to bed or it'll be insanely insane tomorrow.
BY2 - 我知道
从来没想过不能再和你牵手
委屈时候没有你陪着我心痛
一切都是我太过骄纵以为你会懂
一直忘了说我有多感动
我知道你还是爱着我
虽然分开的理由我们都已接受
你知道我会有多难过
所以即使到最后还微笑着要我加油
我知道你还放不下我
才会在离开时闭着眼没有回头
我们都知道彼此心中
其实这份爱没停过
曾经完整幸福的梦在脑海里头
我多希望你还在我左右
答应你我会好好过
不让这些眼泪白流
这首并不是新歌，但也无所谓。两个年纪比我轻的女生所唱出来的心声，用了她们那甜美的歌声，听起来还真正！若我有她们那么会唱，那可是何等美好~ 可惜我天生就是没有甜美的尚子，天分也是假的。不过不要紧，因为上帝非常地公平，祂赏赐我才华，chorus board就是我能发挥我长处的一片天地. =) 播放歌词也很棒！哈哈！
正题其实是...与这首歌毫无关系=.= 我又没拍拖，哪里找来“爱”或“离开”。实际上，我一直期待有谈恋爱的一天，而且有一点过分期待的感觉。 希望 - Hope. 对了，有希望活在世上就不会无所期望。愿我早日找到我的白马王子！=P 我知道这一天即将到来。来来来，现在就开始为我祈祷吧，我会感激不尽的 ^^
不过最近脑子里还真的乱乱飘...XX发来一封简讯，内容并不在这揭晓，只是有“sweet”这个字。对啦，于是我开始想入非非，以为追求者送上门了。但想了一想，似乎不太对劲，便打消了念头。XX与本小姐八字都还没有一撇，怎能这样就有所发展呢？我还是安分点儿，慢慢地等待“他”的到来吧。=)
Attempted to count down to start of a new semester, and that is 36 days. That is the number of days that I have to work harder in GE, go out with friends whom I said I'll go out with, catch up with my BS lessons, polish up myself on the overall as a person. I really like Ps Phil's post on this scripture from Luke 7:33-35 where he interprets it in this way:
A bad attitude grasps issues to justify itself...Don't be surprised when the good you do for one person is thought of as evil by another. Once again, it's impossible to keep everyone happy and for everyone to like especially if you're going to step out and do something great for God.
Yes I know I'm gonna live out my life for Him. Go on, life is abundantly great. There's no standard to meet except that is His.
Semester 1 09/10, I'm ready for you.
A fanatic weekend zoomed past. For the past week, I hardly stepped into office. That equates to no peanut/kaya butter bread with warm barley for tea break. That Thursday I went for the SHP/TS Enhancement launch at CfE where after the launch Geoff took me to TB for lunch. Yummy traditional handmade fishballs and fishcakes, followed by tutu kweh. Finally satisfied that craving ever since few months ago. Yup. Dr Sng decided to give me an open date so that I need not go back to the hospital for the frequent outpatient checkups! PTL! It means savings for me. Saves time, saves money!
On Sunday it was the CB team outing. To be updated the next time. Love and unity in the team!
Reported to SIS on Friday morning and was treated to Mac breakfast. That is my 7th fastfood meal in the entire month of June. As sinful as can be, I gobbled up the food that's in front of me while waiting for the full dress rehearsal to start. On the first day, still feeling shy and awkward together with the crew. After two rehearsals, it's time to go home. That marks the end of day one(for me).
Saturday morning was the second day and that was also the AYG preview for the students. Last night was the actual AYG Opening Ceremony at SIS. At 6.30pm, we wondered if the stadium is going to fill up at all. Is it because of the rain, or the ticket pricing, or the tight police checks that held up the audience? The seats at the North gate were barely taken. Thank God. At 7pm, the show started with the emcee speaking, followed by the performances by primary, secondary, junior colleges and university students. Indeed, a youth event! The parade of athletes featured all the athletes where they walked down the aisle and it's their moment to showcase to the world. The new generation of athletes that is going to break records and do their best for all the games despite Influenza A virus. For every pyrotechnic, I jumped on my seat. =X
The night was awesome. It was my first time in the production crew, doing what I do once every two weekends in church, and getting paid for that. What's more, being surrounded by the coolest and warmest bunch of people. It was virtually Mac, Starbucks, mixed vegetables rice and roasted pork rice daily. Except for yesterday, the group went to seafood restaurant for lunch. I forgot to count the number of dishes served but I ate to my heart's content. (: Initially I thought we're going into food court, or the Japanese restaurant but we're going up to the top level. Thanks for the friendship forged over the three days, witnessing such a grand opening that's being broadcast live on TV!
God is so good to me. Thank God for the exposure to big events like this! It's just great!
Holidays are the best time to learn. I already mentioned. 20+1 makes a huge difference. Maturity comes with heavier responsibilities. It feels more comfortable with the CB people. Over the past few weeks with the start of the Song of Solomon BS with PK and PT, the bulk of us serve every week, either on the BS day or main service. After the service I'll end up having lunch/dinner with the remaining gang.
Recently I went through a rough patch.
It's got to do with speech.
It's got to do with speaking with higher EQ.
It's got to do with how I can be molded by God to become more eloquent.
But tribulation produces perseverance. Perseverance produces character. And character produces hope. (Romans 5:3-5) Hope does not disappoint. Faith triumphs in trouble. If I keep on persisting and learn things right, the breakthrough is definitely coming. 3 months ago I had been reminded of this matter where I thought I've improved. The younger ones don't see anything wrong, but the older ones are usually the ones who correct. They seemed to be more vulnerable to what I say. It's hard to say 'I'm sorry'. But I thank God for the leaders in my life, whom God uses to teach me.
In the class that I attended yesterday, the trainer mentioned: People doing sales tend to get more offended and are usually the ones who make a big fuss in restaurants and such. When they are doing business, they want to please their customers until the product/service is accepted by their clients. That's when people say the best things in the world, no matter how distorted the truth might be. However back in 'real' life, they wish to be pampered by others when they're not working. Sounds true.
Starting to miss school and also hoping that holidays won't end right away. It's hard to make up my mind.
I like this pic!! But don't have the pong pong and pong pong pong...
This contains everyone!
Lovely Sports Class @ Isaac's party
Lovely Chorus Board @ May's party (with three 24 May babies!!!)On last Friday, I met up with a friend. It's been almost a year since I last saw him. Actually I would say it's my first time meeting him ever since the same loud camp ended last year. Yes, there is fear contained inside me. But ultimately, I still went to meet up with him. It was just an hour meeting but it left me thinking what is going on in my life?
'Hey, you're so busy. Three SMSes in one minute.'
Yeah indeed. Three smses + three smses in the next four minutes. In fact I was feeling very bad from replying smses in the middle of a pre-lunch. What if the person's love language is 'quality time' and I just did the wrong thing by being busy. Kinda insulting for the opposite party eh. =\
'You told me in the SMS last night. Busy with meeting friends, work, church... What else do you do?'
*Thinks hard*
Why can't I think of anything else? It's as if I have no hobbies, no free time to watch movies, not even helping out at home with the household chores. Felt like hiding under the table. On the other hand, it's true. When I'm free, I just spend the time at home. Otherwise, I'll be running islandwide for the various meetings, gatherings, parties... My weekends are almost devoted to church services, hanging around CB area even if I'm not serving that weekend.
Does it matter? Does it matter if I don't have a hobby? Does it matter if I'm not catching the latest movies? Does it even matter? I just need to know who my Master is. What He has called me to do and how I should fulfill those tasks which He has set for me to do. No, it doesn't mean I need to be a full-time church worker/staff. I can still do what I want to, be it drink and be merry, go for a tattoo(but I'm not that interested), dress up and party... Life is all exciting still :)
-
Loud camp 09, coming soon! After the pre-camp yesterday, I've some super aches which left me tired and weak physically. Think I need to go exercise soon to gain some muscles and stamina, and pump up the vitamins. LAVIDA House!
Dwindling savings. Cash-strapped. Mom snapped at me when I said 'You could have given me the money instead of spending it on durians.'
'You should be giving me money.' Uh-oh. It's time to earn my own money and not ask for it. Perhaps that's the difference between twenty and twenty-one. Taking ownership of my life. Does that mean I can sign on the baptism form myself without their acknowledgment?
Oh yeah. It's time to start earning my own. Pocket money. I thought I'd be 'princess' when I'm home since I spend my school days in hall. Shattered dreams. There's not even a birthday celebration for me.(Isn't 21st supposed to be real BIG?)
Ok, you win. Cos you always like to compare others and me. I did nothing on Mother's Day. Fair and square? Perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
Sigh~
No tuition jobs cos I didn't find them. If I did, should I take on an assignment in the East/West? I only have myself to blame for performing so badly in Semester 1 that I have to repeat the courses again in the following Semester 1. Surely there will not be a four-day week for me. I can imagine my five-day week to be super packed.
No temporary job cos my plans(what plans?) will be ruined. I don't even know what I'm having in June, except for the camp and workshops. Am I just going to waste the holidays away? Those who are looking for a full-time job are already having difficulties. I can't commit one month as of today, let alone three months. Perhaps my life will look like it's more in place after today's interview. Only then will I be able to fill in the blanks.
Last Saturday, I spent it at Sandy's 21st. Next Friday it'll be Isaac's 21st. Next Saturday May is having a birthday BBQ. At the end of the month it's Karen's 21st.
OVERWHELMED.
This Saturday my hall darlings want to celebrate my 21st with me. (: Everything is so rush but I hope it works out.
On Tuesday WY, Ada and I made tiramisu at his place. Great bonding time together. Thank you for delivering the cake to me! With the vast amount of cocoa powder. So yummylicious. I want to share it with so many people but no, my brother has yet to eat it. Haha...
On Wednesday there was a LOUD camp meeting. Planning still in progress but there's so much excitement. So much anticipation. There's really a difference to be in it and not of it. Let's believe for a totally LOUD camp 2009. :D
Dale, you rock. I love your design.
We're BLUE. Oh yeah.
The days of rushing... Meeting in the far western end each day before the exhibition. Thank you group mates!
Oh, so you mean I just updated exactly one week ago. Those early mornings and late nights have kept me a little less alert, dreamy. Now that I recall how I walk on the road in an erratic manner, I could only thank God that I manage to get home safely every night. Got home from Sandy's celebration and I stared at the road junction. The green fence is still on the ground, broken into parts. While JY drove us home last night, we witnessed the post-accident scene of a car accident, where the ambulance arrived not long after. Treasure life, seriously. Health is important too!
It's been such a fantastic week that I don't know where to start from. On odd days I woke up at 5.45am to prepare to travel on SH's car to JW for SOT! On even days I woke up at 6 plus to prepare to travel on MRT to BL to do and present the EID project. Hey finally this project came to an end. I took some pics of the process where the group was working hard at it. (Pics to be included when uploaded). Just want to thank Eric, WH and Jo for all the time spent together doing the project. We've done it! Although not top 3 nor top 10 but it's the process. I'm just proud of how creative the team is, to come out with a prototype that is totally handmade (from the tanks to the tanker to the trees and of course to the ambiguous control tower). Well at least to recognize the efforts of A, the one who did less than he ought to, but thank you as well. Through this project I made friends like them. There's so much learning involved and it would all be so different if I had gotten an all local student team. Alright, the sacrifice was worth it. The travelling each day made me appreciate my hall more than ever.
Oh yes yes, SOT!!!!!!!! Ya SOT rocks. They were on the GOHS series so I had a full day of BS on Monday (never tried that before), and on Wednesday and Friday the students had practical sessions. It is like practical after theory so they had a chance to actually prophesy over the lives of others, and to pray for people's healing. YJ shared with me that his bro prophesied correctly over his life, while he also prophesied rather accurately on another member in his team. Yeah not to forget he received healing for his eyes so it was just wonderful. (: Glory to God. SH got prayed for and that morning her voice just changed to become so sexy. Yeah she was having a sore throat I meant. But as the day ended her voice became okay. OKAY!! Tremendous experience and exposure. I'm glad I caught something out of the few days. If not for Dot I wouldn't be there (because she wanted to go). If not for SH who e-mailed Ps. Bobby I wouldn't be there (so that I would not be considered an illegal student). If not for KH's final approval I wouldn't be there (thanks a lot!). If not for God I wouldn't be there to catch the vision that He has imprinted in my heart. Divine planning.
Ending it off with this song where I love the chorus - "I just want You Jesus. I just want You my Lord." It is He who gives authority from heaven so that we receive it on earth. Rise up! Working towards the goal of being 2IC... <3
I want a new room (at home).
For I know I'm already having a room with new furnishings in hall from next semester onwards. During the breaks at the seven-hour meeting yesterday, we saw the workers disassembling the wardrobes, shelves and notice boards, carrying out the desks and dumping the blinds. To think I was hoping for a new chair as it proves to be uncomfortable. But KS says, 'No lah, chairs are expensive.' Uh, aren't desks more expensive? X.X Nevertheless, we can all get ready to welcome new lights and yummylicious furniture! *BEAMS*
Will be off to church in an hour's time to catch Pst Steve Munsey in action. Will he ride on a horse? Alright, probably not but I really wish to see that. =P
After two weeks, my heart is lukewarm. I've tried to think and dream less, be less forthcoming unless there is a need to do so. Pondering who's the right J cos my divided heart is overtaking my mind once again. Blinded and blurred. Will continue to seek Him for signs and confirmation.
The weekends will be great. Next week too! I'm hoping to be there every morning and I've asked for permission but still waiting for it to be approved. If I succeed I think I'll start to dream all over again. Sweet.
Ripped this off from a friend's blog, author unknown:
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Boys I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then with being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I Have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in the exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled At My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done In Anger,” “Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents. ” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards that I expected. Sometimes there were fewer that I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No on must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to it slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on it handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!” I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
This afternoon I attempted to continue with the book 'Driven by Destiny'. Every time that I read it, it causes me to really search deep inside my heart, of the things that I've done and not yet done; what I've done, both right and wrong. How is it that there are times when I'm under attack that I can only shudder... Shouldn't I be bold to stand up for what is right? Now that I read through this story(above), I want to dig a hole for myself to bury in. Haven't done enough of what I should do. More time that I should set aside, to spend time reaching out to people. I feel like Saul, one who has a divided heart, doing things with partial obedience. I'm still very me. Adapted from PK's devotion: Partial obedience is rebellion. Partial obedience will lead to self-deception. I need to change. I need to pray.
“Teach me Your way, O LORD; I will walk in Your truth; unite my heart to fear Your name” (Ps. 86:11)
A little shocked at this:
Hmm, someone's card? I remember not writing on HT's card this year so perhaps this is it.
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Just came back from the EID meeting which took about three hours and my holiday is gonna be burnt cos of this. Next Monday to Thursday I will have to travel to school! YIKES! Travel everyday, YIKES! =.= EID EID EID. At least thank God you'll be over in a week's time. After that I can go out with D and K for a meal together before K goes for his reservist! K asks me to start brainstorming for the upcoming team outing which I'm so excited about. Ever since CB had a major change in March, our brand new team 3 has yet to have a team outing together. Time for integration in late May or mid June! WHEEEE.
Now, it almost marks the time that I need to surrender my keys and say byebye to this room that I've occupied for the past two years. Will be back in the next semester! Hopefully with all the new furniture ((:
So byebye to: fan; lights; desk; chair; windows; wardrobe; bed; shelves; soft board; door!!
我还真的没事做 >.<
My exams are over! Spent the night out at Vivo eating Carl's Jr. with WY, walked about, talked and poured out quite a bit. Thanks for the company man. We changed the fries to the crinkle-cut ones and had a free up-sized drink. Groaned in horror!!!! It's just not my practice to drink a large cup of drinks! But I think after yesterday I really like the free-flow iced tea with lemon slices (: The portion was so big that I felt so sinful thereafter. Oops.
Can't imagine spending the evening in hall if we hadn't met up. Ever since the past weekend, I told myself I'll invest more time in CG and less on myself. Perhaps that can be called a breakthrough. Just praying for more breakthroughs that will come in this coming year!
Packed my room and now I'm left with my laptop, my water bottle and my toothbrushes. The rest has gone home! Can't be more sad to be still in school at this time actually. I thought I'd be enjoying my holidays at home but the EID spoils it all!!! At least I'm thankful I have up till Thursday before I really need to surrender my keys and what's up next is Friday's long meeting in school.
I really hate travelling.
So caught up with all the photo editing last night after exams that I only went to sleep at 4am. Crazy. At least that kept me going. After going to PageOne at Vivo that I know there're so many good books out there. Looks like I ought to drop by again one day, which shouldn't be too far away. I was uploading photos onto FB at 3am. I want to polish up my Adobe software skills! In particular PS and LR. Maybe it's time I start learning AI too. Not to forget PR because who knows, these skills might just come in handy one fine day. Hehe.
HOLIDAY ROCKS. I can just watch, play, surf, do whatever I want!
I need God to comfort me. Last paper and yet I'm not focusing hard enough. Some things can wait, while some can't! ROAR! He's been so good to me over the weekends already, from Friday to Sunday, giving me such a lovely cell group, ministry friends and how could I forget my family and friends?
Whatever that I pray, He gives to me. Totally nothing to complain.
Come on lah, last lap! For His glory :)
6 “I will give you peace in the land, and you will be able to sleep with no cause for fear. I will rid the land of wild animals and keep your enemies out of your land. 7 In fact, you will chase down your enemies and slaughter them with your swords. 8 Five of you will chase a hundred, and a hundred of you will chase ten thousand! All your enemies will fall beneath your sword. (Leviticus 26)
I got this from a chain e-mail, which related much to what PK has been preaching for the past two weeks.
Monica married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party,Monica's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook.
With Rs.1000 deposit amount.
Mother: 'Monica, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.'
Monica shared this with Hitesh when getting home. They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made.
This was what they did after certain time:
- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage
- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Monica
- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali
- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Monica got pregnant
- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted
...... And so on...
However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love....Kind of typical nowadays, huh?
One day Monica talked to her Mother:
'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!'
Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.'
Monica thought it was true. So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account.
While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home.
When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce.
The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Monica. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. How much happiness you’ve brought me.'
They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe.
It reminded me of the love bank account, of how one deposits love points and withdraws from the account under different circumstances. If you like this person, you'll add love points into your account. My point is only on the love bank concept. What is your love points under others' accounts? Have you ever thought of it?
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It was one of the best events tonight, CAEN. So much better than LB. To be a programmer/event-coordinator, it's really not easy. I remember so much multi-tasking. From clueless to brainstorming to numerous meetings to looking for performers to preparation of slides to actual event, it was the longest and busiest role that I had taken on. It's not something that I can rush in a week like doing publicity, but I must say I enjoyed the process. It became even more meaningful when I imagined myself doing CB, preparing slides(though not in KN but PPT). During the WWTBAT game, how I screwed up once for pressing the wrong space and the answer appeared, it reminded me of how I always make ONE grave mistake while serving each week. LB ended with a few people helping out with the clearing up but CAEN had everyone to help out. That's when the bballers came into place. My sports class bballers who were really nonsensical but they helped out when necessary.
People like KS whom I met for the first time, ZH whom I don't know, Colin the one whom I always see nowadays...
The CDs(in addition CJ and Lex) who did such a great job with the decoration and stayed till the end. MJing too much doesn't really matter at that moment. I miss sports.
The ISA(Les, Den, Jus) who took charge of ticket sales and busing were so worried with the not-so-good response but tonight it looked good!
FnB personnel-Chris. Food was great! Too bad I was too busy to have proper meal but the experience was something money can't buy.
Helpers in general... Cass, XQ, Pri(the superwoman fin controller!!)
Door gift by YX and Jess.
Our AV cum Log dept, DH and JY.
Those who were at the reception, lucky draws, beer counter, helping with the nitty-gritty matters. Everyone was fantastic!
Many thanks to the Chairs(not stool/chair), BW, Jess and Les for the hard work.
PH & Jem for taking charge of most of the items and Kev for coming despite his IA.
Of course Jeremy the emcee!
The event didn't cui!! ^^ SO HAPPY~!!!
Best dressed consolation prize leh =P
Suddenly had the urge to blog but yeah. It's always rather random. Came back from supper with XJYZALSYLPRI - 6 of us in a car. I admit I'm lazy because...I wouldn't want to go if not for the car ride. Yesterday I went for supper with another group of friends, MHAMEKSYCKADERPRI - 8 of us in the same car. Oh and the thing is the owner of the car wasn't present on both nights so we just disappeared with his car to the coffee shop. Thank you LES! After the rehearsal in church I arrived in hall looking for food. Maybe it's like the right time that the few of them asked me to join them. It was just too hard to drag me along last night. They pleaded with me for at least half an hour because I gave the excuse of 'I'm not in the mood.'
What is mood?
(noun) a state or quality of feeling at a particular time
'Don't feel like it'
'Sian'
'Don't know'
'Positive/negative'
'Half-hearted at the moment'
Often I feel moody. No, it's not PMS all the time but there's no energy in carrying out a task. If it's out of duty, I'll attempt to do it with a smile. If it's what I like, I put my heart and soul into it. Note: not ALL my heart and soul. Looking at my goals for 2009, there are too many items to focus on that each year I find myself achieving nothing out of it. Ok, bits and pieces but rarely succeed at getting all the pointers done. Surely and definitely, how to feel that sense of satisfaction like that?! Hmm but I enjoy changes all the time. That's how I never get bored yet underachieved at the same time.
So much to do in the 24 hours each day. How to not feel dejected. I look at my friends in Business. They're struggling with meeting project deadline every day, coming back at 2am and continuing at 4am to finish the project. I lack that kind of drive! Well plus it's not like I want to torture my body till so late anyway. It's 3am, not very early either.
Aye tomorrow's gonna be great. Serving in CB is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Tomorrow marks the first day of the 'week of prayer', or should I say that it's morning prayer that starts at 6.30am?!?!?! Now Jer is asking me to give him morning call. I guess we've all turned nocturnal and yes, it's tough to wake up in the morning, especially when the sky is still dark. Well, the sun rises from the EAST so don't tell me to watch sunrise from the WEST. Tsk tsk. Over the weekend, each of us received our own prayer book. Man, I really love that. Now it's still rather empty but who cares. I know I'll have tons of prayers to write in there, anticipating the ticks that will accompany the prayers when fulfilled. Nothing beats the joy to know that our prayers are answered.
Hope; 希望.
A search on Google gives so many quotes about hope. We've heard this word so many times on news, read it in newspapers, especially when so many of us have been hit hard by the economic downturn. All of us need some hope, a glimpse of light in the midst of darkness. 若人生中没有了希望，人活在世上便会感到绝望。
When you were young, you wished that you'll grow old faster. You want to watch the NC-16, M-18, R-21 movies. You want school to finish quickly and go out to work and earn your first dollar. When you're old, you wish that you could turn back times and grow younger(something that will never happen). You want to retire. You want to go back to school because that's where you made your best friends. There are fewer responsibilities compared to when you start work and having to provide for your family. We are hoping for something, almost all the time. Hope is like a fuel that keeps our life burning.
Choose hope, reject fear.
I wish I could eat less, but it's been getting from bad to worse. Supper over the two weeks(no, not everyday but once a week which I feel is bad enough because I don't work out). This morning I started my day with digestive biscuits(think fibre), 鱼片板面(think fish), i-scream yogurt(think strawberry&peach&oreo&white yogurt) xD
School's getting less quiet when v.day is coming, just that I'm not involved this year. Remember the times in canteen mending booth, doing up all the stints and staying back till late to help logistics keep the tables and chairs. Though not totally enjoyable, but it was an experience worth remembering. Like what I tell others, the pre-event is better than the main event. Who wouldn't agree... Haha for the committee who went through it, we can't be more than glad when the entire draggy event ended in Sept08.
Last night I was enjoying my single deluxe room. Well, kinda big and cold at night if not for Amel who came into my room looking for food. Then we spent the next few hours interacting. Previously we already discovered we're from the same primary school. It's a good school, but compared to ABC/XYZ, it may be better/worse.
Slowly getting into the topic of the start of Christian walk. She had a long history of eight years. Guess what, she too started at my church but left for another. Now she stops going as she feels that she can't bring herself to commit to God. Submission = Total commitment? Many seemed to have come and go, and is that supposed to be the norm? If you don't like it, you leave? If you're not giving your best, you quit? Why did I stay? Maybe it's too short to say, but all in all, we both believe that personal spiritual growth is important. Need a breakthrough? Work on your spiritual life. It's your own relationship with God, not the things that you do to please God or even man. I like what JY mentioned to me in a conversation some time back, on having spiritual backbone.
"I pray because it's written in the Bible."
"I pray because my pastors and leaders say I ought to."
How many people will say, "I pray because I want to spend time with God." and "I want to understand His thoughts."
It's out of willingness and obedience. It's not all the time that the leaders are trailing behind and pushing you to move on. Leaders are there to give pointers when you're in need. Good leaders allow you to explore on your own. You then learn to be one yourself. But when you fall, you know you're not alone.
Dearest Xiaokai's 21st Birthday!
Hugs my dearest. Best wishes in 2009! May you get all that you want in life =D Keep smiling, keep walking, keep shining. Thanks for your lovely friendship and being there with me for the past unofficial eight years.
Once again, it's been quite a long while. Recently been creating new accounts, having wild thoughts, adopting a new name(if only it could be my baptism name), updating this blog? Haha totally unusual of me to update this since it lies dormant for super duper long and once in a while I come back and check.
This semester, I've been forced to make myself study the maximum after having attained the minimum. Goal-setting still remains one of my favourite things to do upon ending a year and starting a new one. Wandering in life is definitely not something that I want to do. Having a clear purpose and direction is what I want. But I'm glad to fulfill some items on my wish list despite the fact that we've only entered the second month of the year.
Happy to meet up with JC friends. Happy to see many 4H friends. Happy to own a camera and take many snapshots of my CG. Happy to celebrate my roomie's birthday and walk her to the chalet. Happy to do the director's board in CB although I really messed up ten seconds of it all. Happy to have such wonderful tutors and course mates and group mates. Happy to watch my first campus concert, that features the 'queen' and 'mr humorous'. Happy to go for late-night supper by car and on my 'cars'. It's been such a fun time together. =)
Then again, I need to forgo some other activities. It's fair. Gain some and lose some. Otherwise it's too overwhelming but I keep hoping for the best. Study hard. Understand more. Socialize with people. Stop living in denial. Put a full stop to slacking and procrastination.
Resilience. The process of coping with and adapting to adversity. (Luthar, Cicchetti, & Becker, 2000)
